There’s Always Hope…

Since finding out that Robin Williams killed himself there have been numerous articles written about it and even more people wanting to talk about the effects of suicide and where to get help if you’re contemplating it… if anything good can come from his death it’s that perhaps people will see how devastating the loss of life is and that there is always somewhere to turn to when you’re at your lowest… and yet I just read an article talking about how suicide is not a selfish act and that basically we’re the bad people for seeing it that way… it was talking about how people can’t imagine how terrible life is when you reach that low point and that these people are victims… to which I do agree in part… and I know this because I’ve been there… but the fact is suicide is a selfish act… because in that moment you’re only thinking of yourself… you’re only thinking of your own pain and how you want it all to end for you… if you thought of the terrible repercussions of your own actions in that moment I don’t believe anyone would ever commit suicide… but they don’t… and that is selfishness even as those people are the victims as well…

Like I said, I’ve been there… I was diagnosed with depression about 7 years ago… right after I joined the military I was alone for the first time… I was doing horribly at the job I was assigned… even when I got out I was still a terrible mechanic, I don’t know why they gave me that job… and I was just one of those people that seemed to get constantly teased and picked on mainly cause I did suck so much at my job and I wasn’t a good Airman at all… the military life just wasn’t for me… and though obviously there’s an ending in sight as you know how long your enlistment is for… it was years away and everything just kept going from bad to worse… I started having severe panic attacks to the point they’d have to rush me to the ER to basically tranquilize me… I felt like I was losing my mind and I just wanted it all to be over… I knew what I was contemplating because I finally threw away my collection of knives because I was afraid I would use them on myself… but it didn’t stop me from constantly wishing it was over and of course there’s more than one way to skin a cat…

The fact is the only thing that kept me going was thinking of my family back home… I just kept reminding myself how devastated they would be if I did kill myself… I kept reminding myself that they would probably spend the rest of their lives wondering how they could’ve stopped it… blaming themselves… and I kept telling myself no matter how much my life sucks, I have no right to put that on them… I read a comment that said that the survivors were the selfish ones wishing that their loved one had continued what was apparently such a tortured existence… but it isn’t selfish to want those people to see that life is full of hope and possibilities and if you just hang on a little longer there is a light at the end of the tunnel… it’s wanting what’s best for the ones you care about…

I sought help… and honestly my first few therapist were idiots… plain and simple but I knew I had to keep trying… and finally I got one that helped me… that truly helped me to find a way out of the dreariness… of course I still suffer… I still have that crushing sense of hopelessness that will come on for no reason at all… that feeling of panic that will rise up and make me hate my entire existence… but I keep telling myself that I don’t want to die being that miserable… I want to live to be happy again… and eventually I am happy again…

The fact is if I had killed myself when life was so terrible… I wouldn’t have lived to meet my husband… to adopt a silly dog named George… or to see my nephew who is just an adorable bundle that has made my whole family so happy… I mean it took about 4 years of what felt like absolute misery in the military for things to finally start inching their way to getting better… and they sure didn’t get there over night even when it did begin to ease up… my last 2 years in were a mix of up and downs but the downs got to be fewer… and now that I’m out well I still struggle but I’ve gotten the life that’s better suited to me… and the ups are so much more than the downs… and I just think that I could’ve missed out on so much if I had allowed myself just one selfish moment… If I had stopped and said that the only thing that matter was ending my pain… suicide is never the answer… it’s the easy way out, but definitely not the most rewarding way…

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