So in about a month I’m going to be having surgery so I’ll never be making the babies. I’m nervous as all get out and so thought I should write a post because some how that’ll magically make me feel better. In case you’re wondering, I’m simply nervous because I’ve never had surgery before. I am also extremely frustrated by the response from both people I know, as well as doctors, in trying to get it done.
I’ve been married twice, and at no point during either marriage did I want kids, but I did marry my 2nd husband knowing he wanted them. I did so because everyone kept telling me eventually I’ll want children. During the marriage everyone kept asking us when we would have kids, and how we needed to hurry up and have children. Even though he did want kids even he agreed that especially at the beginning of our marriage our life was too hectic to throw a kid into the mix. But everyone seems so sure they have the right to tell us to make babies that they will not be financially responsible for and probably won’t even be willing to babysit. I find it hilarious though that when we got a divorce the first thing folks said was “Thank goodness you didn’t have kids”.
But that’s just how people are. They think everyone should want children, while at the same time asking “why do some people have kids?”. Even the doctors who I talked to and had to go through to even get my surgery set up were trying to convince me other wise. I’m 30, and completely capable of knowing what I want, but they had to go through a whole litany of excuses to why I shouldn’t. The number one being “what if you meet the right guy in the future”, which implies that the only reason a guy wants to be with a girl is if she’ll make him babies. Which means my own wants aren’t a factor, and I need to make sure I can please this fictitious guy. Any future men will know I won’t be having kids, take it or leave it. More so, both men I married, I did so because at the time I thought they were the right one for me. And even during the happy times I still didn’t want a child, and that should be enough for people to accept.
Truth be told, more than anything is that my own health is a factor. I’m bipolar. And yes I know women who have such mental health issues who are perfectly good mothers. But for me the only meds that have ever worked are bad to take if you get pregnant and could be harmful to the child. On top of that, every form of birth control could cause my meds to stop working as efficiently. I found this out the hard way. There are some forms of birth control that are less of a risk, but I don’t want to take that chance of hitting rock bottom again, which is very much a danger to my life. My doctors are constantly making sure that I’m not going to get pregnant, but argued with me against making sure there’s never any chance I’ll get pregnant. I also have a panic disorder and social anxiety. I struggle to remain calm in perfectly normal settings with other adults. Kids are more than I can handle even for a short time. But I shouldn’t have to tell all this to anyone in order to explain the simple fact that beyond all these issues I simply don’t want a child.
And so I shall get tubal ligation. I won’t ever be able to have children. Strong possibility I may die alone because of that. I’ll have absolutely no regrets, and yes writing this did make me feel better.